Aly Unleashed

Gentle Reminder

The next time you hear someone stutter or say the wrong thing remember that they, too, have feelings. There is never a reason to call any person a retard. Ever.

How do You Sign off?

How do you say casually say goodbye or sign off from something? 

See you later?

Laters?

See ya?

Gbye?

TTFN?

Love ya?

TTYL?

Something else?

Just curious because one of the above has always, ALWAYS made me cringe when I see it. It’s too casual and borders on rude to me.

Anonymous asked: why are we not friends and talking

Please read my latest blog post.

To A Former Friend

This might come out harsh but I am not going to apologize for anything this blog contains as it all comes right from my heart. I also am not going to be doing any editing of this. 

Molly,

You often ask why we are not longer friends and there is no real easy answer. There are various reasons why our friendship ended and if you are honest with yourself then you will know the reasons. Since our friendship first ended on June 30, 2008, I have given you several chances at us being friends again; each time thinking and hoping that you had indeed changed enough so that our friendship could begin anew. But you have yet to change in the way that a friendship is needed and I fear you never will. 

I don’t ask much from my friends. Honesty, patience, at least some type of sense of humor, tolerance, and common interests. You are honest, yes, but TOO honest for me. Your honesty often veers toward the bullying and hateful/hurtful side and I cannot take it. The other qualities I prefer in friends you don’t really have too much of. The things you think we have in common don’t really exist or are too little to build a friendship on. Now I am not saying that you are a bad person because you aren’t. We all have our faults. It is just that when it comes to you and I being friends… It’s not going to work.

I don’t know why. I wish it could but it won’t. You prefer to blame me for every little thing and call me names and I—I’m not like that. I value the feelings of others, even those I don’t particularly care for or get along with, too much to be negative towards them. 

I don’t hate you. Even after you hatefully tweeted and blogged more than once that you wish my cancer had killed me I don’t hate you. I don’t really feel anything towards you but sympathy and worry.

You also have been asking lately why we stopped talking. Well, that’s because you’re never happy. I tell you over and over again that I don’t want your friendship or that we can’t be friends but that I’ll be nice to you and you just forge ahead expecting more than I am willing or capable of giving. Even when we were friends it often seemed that I couldn’t do enough for you. I would drop what i was doing for you and actually talk to you when I should have been working and sometimes you would still be angry with me because I didn’t answer you when you first called me that day. There just doesn’t seem to be anyway to make you happy and keep you happy. And I have long since given up trying to figure out what makes you happy.

I know you are angry that I went to your mom about your blogs but put yourself in my shoes. I needed to do it. Your blogs were becoming so hateful and angry that you needed to be stopped. It is fine to say you are angry with/at me/others. It is fine to say you don’t want anything to do with me. But those other things, especially the things you were saying about your parents! Too much. 

I go back and forth with wanting to be nice to you because I know that you are capable of being a great person and an awesome and hilarious friend. I miss our meowing to each other. Remember that? But it’s still not enough for me to want to be your friend. I have no problem being civil towards you and occasionally speaking to you online but that is all I am willing to do and give. But please remember that kindness is not the same as friendship.

I am truly sorry if any of this causes you any anger but I needed to say this. I wish you luck in getting into a group home because I think that is the best option for you. Perhaps then you will realize the potential you have to be a great friend to others and finally learn how to let go of the past. Regardless, whatever you end up doing in life I hope you find peace and happiness, and I hope that sometime in the future you can look back at the friendship we had—and yes we DID have one, as fragile as it was—and think of me not with anger but with reflection.

Wishing you the best, Alison

tumblrbot asked: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE INANIMATE OBJECT?

There are so many dirty ways I could answer this but I’ll keep it clean. Right now it’s my stuffed monkey Mr. Monkey-Bones. It’s a cute monkey dressed in a skeleton costume. It was sprayed with Dustin’s fave cologne and keeps me company when he’s working nights or I just need something to hold.

Updates

Haven’t done a blog in a few weeks so thought I’d take some time to do one real quick! Boyfriend and I are heading out to a local park to enjoy the decentish weather and maybe play some disc golf if the course is still up/open. It’s not even 40* out but the sun’s shining and it’ll be nice to get out of the apartment for a bit. 

My health is getting better but I’m back to not sleeping too well and dreading nights. I get all itchy for some reason and I’m horribly broken out in certain places on my body. I’m also not eating all that much anymore, especially at night. The biggest change with my appetite, though, is that I’m no longer snacking at night! After 4pm or so I don’t snack at all and that is weird for me. But I don’t have the urge to snack at night anymore. Instead I usually just get comfy on the couch and watch TV. If Dustin’s not working I’ll snuggle with him or lay my head in his lap and veg as he idly strokes my hair or shoulder. 

Let’s see what else…Writing? Not doing so much of it lately. No real desire. Work? Same ol’, same ol’. Still doing both IT support and cyber defense at Offutt. I use most of my free time now to play “The Price is Right” on Facebook or just relax. Oh, I’m also reading a lot more these days. Back to borrowing books from the library or buying cheap books from Target’s Dollar Spot. Just started Oliver Twist, which I’ve tried reading before but never finished. 

Guess that’s about it! Sorry for the rather boring entry.

Getting Worse, Not Better

Boyfriend says (and I sort of agree) that my health is so bad right now that I really should be in the hospital. But we just don’t have the money. Hell, we barely had enough money to get some groceries! So I stick with over the counter meds and a few generic prescriptions and just do my best to take it easy. 

I’m coughing, constantly blowing my nose (but I’m not sneezing), my throat just doesn’t feel right, most foods don’t taste right, I’m constantly feeling like throwing up, the dog tripped me last night causing me to fall where the surgery was done really hurting myself, I can barely walk without falling over, and I have an ear ache. 

Anytime you wanna stop punishing me God, feel free! Seriously, the only good thing from all this, really, is that I’m sleeping great. But of course I am. I’m EXHAUSTED! 

Anyway going to be blogging more on this site even though my two online besties aren’t on it. Was going to give thoughts.com, another blogging site, more of a try since they’re enjoying it but I guess because of my health my emotions are even more fragile right now and I just can’t take seeing this hatred coming at me from a former friend I really thought and hoped had changed. I have never and would never spew such animosity towards another person and I guess I do deserve SOME anger from her but not to the extent that it’s happening. But enough about that. I really just don’t feel like I belong on that site. I’ve got my friends and family and I know I’ve made the right decision. I’m not a bad person. Another person can’t make you feel bad about yourself unless you let them and I just have to refuse to let them.

Easier said than done, though. *Sigh*

A Rant

Okay so I see that since I was last online I’ve missed some drama on a blogging site, thoughts.com. What kind of drama? Absolutely no clue. Anyone want to share with me?  Even the person who started it (I’m assuming) probably is no longer going to speak to me. Oh well. Was nice while it lasted. But seriously to leave a site because someone is bothering you on it—IF YOU LIKE THE SITE!!—is STUPID! That said, I don’t know if I’m going to do what 2 others sadly have and leave thoughts.com or not. I like the layout of the site now and I think I could be happy there.

I love when I finally find out that my favorite online friends and I are on the same blogging site. But it never lasts long. Ever. Because something always inevitably happens to make one or both of them decide to leave. WHY?!?!?!?!?!?! Why can’t we just learn to ignore those that bother us?! I do it all the time. It’s simple, really. 

Okay, so I know everyone has their reasons for leaving a site but the selfish part of me just wishes that there were more sites all of us could coexist on! I’m just feeling really left out right now.

And why is it so damn hard to get people to stay on the same site?????? I’m still waiting for the day when I can find online friends who like THIS site (tumblr) as much as I do. Because quite honestly, blogger sucks. I feel safe here. Accepted. On other sites I feel ignored and small.

I guess in one way it’s like since we all live in different states we all have to live on different sites? Sad, kinda. And I long for the day when we once again reunite! (On the same blogging site, that is!)

Updates

Haven’t been to the doc lately just don’t have the money for it so nothing new to report about cancer/radiation/surgery. But I’m actually sort of happy about that because it’s one less thing I have to stress about.

Doing a little better today I think mostly because the sun is actually out. We got maybe 2 inches of snow overnight. Just enough to make the drive home yesterday horrible but today things are fine. Not that I’ll be doing much of anything this weekend, though. No money. Well, Dustin and I *might* go to Target for some things but not sure. Christmas is just around the corner and I’ve bought absolutely nothing for anyone. Rare for me, but with money extremely tight this month don’t have much choice! Probably going to be giving lots of gift cards and smaller things this Christmas. Though honestly there’s really nothing i want. Just some cards from friends/family would be nice. A simple holiday card to know that people are thinking of. Yeah, that’s what would make me happiest.

Got a letter from my Grandfather (Mom’s Dad) in reply to a letter I’d sent him around Thanksgiving with a Thanksgiving Day card. It was as preachy as ever but I don’t honestly mind that. Religion is a personal thing and it’s not for me to say what others should or shouldn’t believe in. If he wants to say that God is great and that the tough times I’m going through will soon end and that all I need to do is believe and trust in God, then let him. It brings a smile to my face actually that Grandfather believes so strongly that God will take care of me. Grandfather also has my name added to this weekly prayer list at his church. My parents HATE this. Really hate it. But I don’t mind. If people I don’t know want to pray for me who am I to stop them? Obviously it’s not really doing me any good but it can’t hurt, right? 

It did sort of bother me, though, that in my letter I asked if he would pass along my cell phone number and/or email address to 2 cousins of mine I haven’t heard from or seen probably since I was 11 years old. His reply? I should just call my uncle and catch up with them. How about they call us?! The last time we heard from my mom’s brother was 12 days before her mom died. Yup. And I think that was back in 2002.

Anyway I couldn’t actually read all of Grandfather’s letter to me as the first page was missing. I thought about calling him to tell him that but I wrote him again, instead. I just don’t like his preachy tone when i talk to him on the phone. A letter is one thing because I can move past it but on the phone it’s just so much worse. I have my beliefs, I occasionally go to church and I do pray but I don’t need to be told that I need to put more of my faith in God’s hands. If God cared so damn much about “His Children” (us) then why the fuck does he let good people suffer and bad people flourish?! I’ve thought time and time again about asking Grandfather that but I don’t. He’s the only grandparent I have anymore and as I’ve never met him and probably never will I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize what relationship I have with him.

Moving on…That’s really about it for now! Haven’t been writing as much nor have I been online all that much this week but that’s my own laziness/miserableness. Been dealing a lot with feeling ugly and hating my body. Nothing new there, though! It’s been a long, LONG time since I’ve felt good about myself. Don’t see that happening anytime soon, though. 

Hope everyone has a great weekend!